it's corona time

im not a reporter, so its never been my business to comment on world events. i prefer to share obtuse ideas that i feel no one else has said in quite a way, culled from the page of a forgotten book or late-night thought sprawls staring at an aquarium, longing for something. the ideas are inspired by the world, sure, but are apart from it, drenched in desire, nostalgia, and fantasy.

to comment on coronavirus as a world event would be out of my scope, but to discuss the potentially profound impact of quarantine life on inner experience, on our thoughts, reflections, and growth during this time, feels within my wheelhouse.

here's my premise: i believe we're in a moment in which each and every one of us has the opportunity to make huge transformations in our lives - and by huge, i don't necessarily mean our direction in the world or our higher purpose, but the little things that we do everyday, the little habits that inform who we really are. and the impact of that is, eventually, huge.

from the moment we are born, we are thrust into social systems that define the 'should' and 'shouldn't' of our daily lives. we should go to school. we should wait patiently in the lunch line. we should probably bathe. then, we should graduate, and if we want to survive, we should find a job. we shouldnt let our emotions into our jobs. we shouldnt let our individual preferences - such as when to wake up in the morning, or what we feel most comfortable wearing  - impose on our professionalism and our coworkers. and most importantly, we shouldnt grieve our personal losses from these systems, because everyone attends to them, right?

and then, the novel coronavirus happens. the systems we're used to structuring our lives are out the window, and what's left is something to novel at in itself: us. you. me. you look around your house, you look back at your screen. it's quiet. no one's rushing you to finish what you're reading; no ubers to catch, no scramming to declutter, no postponed dinner date to attend to. no reason not to do yoga, take a shower, and make a smoothie before you start work (what is 'commute'?)

with the caveat that i'm not a parent and have a job and work from home, and that i have it relatively easy in this way, i'm all of a sudden left to a toolkit i haven't fully used since i was a child: my complete, unfettered imagination. the one that simply can't be bothered. the one born out of free time, space, and boredom that creates a story for the day where i am the protagonist with my own soundtrack, dazzling 'fit, and very important things to attend to such as making candles, baking muffins, and maintaining order over my pets in my vast quarantine-kingdom.

without all of the unknowns of daily life - whether the bus will come on time, whether there will be a line to get coffee, whether the elevator interaction with your coworker creates more or less work - we can actually feel, if only for a bit, that we're in control. i'm learning who i am naturally - what times of the day i like to eat, sleep, work, exercise, and be creative - for the first time in my adult life. i'm off the grind, and as a result, i'm getting further into the deepest parts of myself. 

after i spent the first three days of the shelter-in-place mandate partying as if it were the end of the world, im coming to see that unhealthy habits don't really have a purpose here. this is significant, people, for me especially, to realize that a hyperactive social life is only just a substitute for boredom, a default way to fill time.

forced by social distancing to find something else, the simple hobbies and projects that were once wishful thinking or on the backburner since i was 10 (muffin club, anyone?) are now integrated into my quarantine routine. i always thought i was the candle-making type, if there is such a thing, but now i really know. i knew i could do more in the kitchen, but my desire to take a break took precedent over my desire to try new things. it turns out making pickles, soups, and proper cocktails is really not that hard.



               

               

i fed some squirrels in my backyard today. i watch the birds come to the bird feeder, and i read about them. sparrows, chickadees, cardinals. i read about everything. i ask google if i can make the things i was going to buy. i take long, wandering walks, just trying to get lost and finding myself in front of the most beautiful houses, churches, and gardens. i almost feel like i'm in a new city. the question of what i 'should' and 'shouldn't' do? apologies, i'm going to have to filter that through whether or not it fits today's narrative.

               

we all went into quarantine, i think, hoping we could use this time for something. there are memes out there that let you off the hook if you don't pick up a new skill or feel unmotivated being at home, but i don't think we need to put even that much pressure on ourselves. it's not about suddenly rallying to find motivation to become an expert at something, because if you haven't already, how much did you actually want to do that thing anyway?

as i said at the start, the opportunity here is a transformation of our inner experience - the way we see ourselves. it's about finding what already has a home within us, and what has been external to us this whole time. sorting between what is mine, and what was forced upon me moving from one social space to the next since infancy, is the crucial, unexpected gift of living through quarantine. it's not about picking up guitar or starting to jog if you've never been a musician or runner; it's about thinking through why you ever thought you needed to be those things to begin with.

for me, quarantine has been about feeling at peace, or finding peace, without constant distraction. it's been about considering or testing out an idea fully, without the need to do something with it, to monetize or even gain from it. i've had time to figure out why i sought out so many distractions to begin with, and who i am without them. who i am when i'm not trapped in a vicious cycle of work and reward, swinging daily between the extremes of anxiety and pleasure.

so, i wonder especially what's going to come after all of this - after we've had just a moment to see that our lives up to this point have been so much a reaction to the rapid, incessant demands of society in contemporary life. now is our time to play, experiment, wander, and grow, and i hope we all take advantage of it.

or not. rest, relax. now, more than ever, it's up to you.

me, before a zoom meeting

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