it's corona time

im not a reporter, so its never been my business to comment on world events. i prefer to share obtuse ideas that i feel no one else has said in quite a way, culled from the page of a forgotten book or late-night thought sprawls staring at an aquarium, longing for something. the ideas are inspired by the world, sure, but are apart from it, drenched in desire, nostalgia, and fantasy.

to comment on coronavirus as a world event would be out of my scope, but to discuss the potentially profound impact of quarantine life on inner experience, on our thoughts, reflections, and growth during this time, feels within my wheelhouse.

here's my premise: i believe we're in a moment in which each and every one of us has the opportunity to make huge transformations in our lives - and by huge, i don't necessarily mean our direction in the world or our higher purpose, but the little things that we do everyday, the little habits that inform who we really are. and the impact of that is, eventually, huge.

from the moment we are born, we are thrust into social systems that define the 'should' and 'shouldn't' of our daily lives. we should go to school. we should wait patiently in the lunch line. we should probably bathe. then, we should graduate, and if we want to survive, we should find a job. we shouldnt let our emotions into our jobs. we shouldnt let our individual preferences - such as when to wake up in the morning, or what we feel most comfortable wearing  - impose on our professionalism and our coworkers. and most importantly, we shouldnt grieve our personal losses from these systems, because everyone attends to them, right?

and then, the novel coronavirus happens. the systems we're used to structuring our lives are out the window, and what's left is something to novel at in itself: us. you. me. you look around your house, you look back at your screen. it's quiet. no one's rushing you to finish what you're reading; no ubers to catch, no scramming to declutter, no postponed dinner date to attend to. no reason not to do yoga, take a shower, and make a smoothie before you start work (what is 'commute'?)

with the caveat that i'm not a parent and have a job and work from home, and that i have it relatively easy in this way, i'm all of a sudden left to a toolkit i haven't fully used since i was a child: my complete, unfettered imagination. the one that simply can't be bothered. the one born out of free time, space, and boredom that creates a story for the day where i am the protagonist with my own soundtrack, dazzling 'fit, and very important things to attend to such as making candles, baking muffins, and maintaining order over my pets in my vast quarantine-kingdom.

without all of the unknowns of daily life - whether the bus will come on time, whether there will be a line to get coffee, whether the elevator interaction with your coworker creates more or less work - we can actually feel, if only for a bit, that we're in control. i'm learning who i am naturally - what times of the day i like to eat, sleep, work, exercise, and be creative - for the first time in my adult life. i'm off the grind, and as a result, i'm getting further into the deepest parts of myself. 

after i spent the first three days of the shelter-in-place mandate partying as if it were the end of the world, im coming to see that unhealthy habits don't really have a purpose here. this is significant, people, for me especially, to realize that a hyperactive social life is only just a substitute for boredom, a default way to fill time.

forced by social distancing to find something else, the simple hobbies and projects that were once wishful thinking or on the backburner since i was 10 (muffin club, anyone?) are now integrated into my quarantine routine. i always thought i was the candle-making type, if there is such a thing, but now i really know. i knew i could do more in the kitchen, but my desire to take a break took precedent over my desire to try new things. it turns out making pickles, soups, and proper cocktails is really not that hard.



               

               

i fed some squirrels in my backyard today. i watch the birds come to the bird feeder, and i read about them. sparrows, chickadees, cardinals. i read about everything. i ask google if i can make the things i was going to buy. i take long, wandering walks, just trying to get lost and finding myself in front of the most beautiful houses, churches, and gardens. i almost feel like i'm in a new city. the question of what i 'should' and 'shouldn't' do? apologies, i'm going to have to filter that through whether or not it fits today's narrative.

               

we all went into quarantine, i think, hoping we could use this time for something. there are memes out there that let you off the hook if you don't pick up a new skill or feel unmotivated being at home, but i don't think we need to put even that much pressure on ourselves. it's not about suddenly rallying to find motivation to become an expert at something, because if you haven't already, how much did you actually want to do that thing anyway?

as i said at the start, the opportunity here is a transformation of our inner experience - the way we see ourselves. it's about finding what already has a home within us, and what has been external to us this whole time. sorting between what is mine, and what was forced upon me moving from one social space to the next since infancy, is the crucial, unexpected gift of living through quarantine. it's not about picking up guitar or starting to jog if you've never been a musician or runner; it's about thinking through why you ever thought you needed to be those things to begin with.

for me, quarantine has been about feeling at peace, or finding peace, without constant distraction. it's been about considering or testing out an idea fully, without the need to do something with it, to monetize or even gain from it. i've had time to figure out why i sought out so many distractions to begin with, and who i am without them. who i am when i'm not trapped in a vicious cycle of work and reward, swinging daily between the extremes of anxiety and pleasure.

so, i wonder especially what's going to come after all of this - after we've had just a moment to see that our lives up to this point have been so much a reaction to the rapid, incessant demands of society in contemporary life. now is our time to play, experiment, wander, and grow, and i hope we all take advantage of it.

or not. rest, relax. now, more than ever, it's up to you.

me, before a zoom meeting

~ ~ ~

balance and the art of figure skating

i've been asked to write on the topic of balance for a friend's *secret* project. posting here now, with the intent to update once its public with further contextualization.

growing up and training as a figure skater, i see balance not as when two scales strike equilibrium, but as a constant state of being. balance is the grounding that makes all else possible, the foundation of skating and life itself.

the most basic units of skating are edges, or the angle at which the blade hits the ice during each stroke; whether the angle is upright or too far to one side or another, forward or backward, determines whether you'll leave the rink with a wet ass or wind-swept hair. a trained skater intuits the microadjustments that need to be made not only to stay balanced, but to deftly switch between directions and build on the edges with more complicated turns, loops, and curves.

perpetually fighting gravity, the body acts as a counterweight in relation to the edge, lifting the skate up and out of the ice like a yogi lifting up and out of their crown. as much weight as you have invested in one direction, you must invest in the other, and invest upwards. the result is the gliding, frictionless motion that makes skating travel so far and so fast, and so inherently different than walking. the basic and necessary state of balance - the perfect, shape-shifting synchronization of body and blade - supports everything else that is added to it, from endless spins to fast footwork to gravity-defying jumps.

losing balance isn't an option on the ice, and it has never felt like an option in my life. the need for balance - to stay up, to keep all parts of myself together and supporting one another - is what drove me to be as intense a student as i was an athlete and social butterfly, and, on a literal level, to pursue both the beautiful art of figure skating and to play on a hockey team. each time i stepped onto the ice it was like i was able to reset to the center, never becoming more aggressive than graceful or vice versa. my skating - hockey and figure - has become a sort of grounding metaphor for my identity and the way i see myself in the world. growing up, i saw others as more opinionated and defined; they seemed to have a singular raison d'etre which allowed them to fit a mold, to make sense, to know what table they were going to sit down at for lunch. torn between groups, people, teams - i thought that my identity had just been late to bloom.

in my adult life, i now see that who i truly am has been there all along. i am now at peace with the fact that i cannot be easily defined in one way or another, rough or graceful, wild or disciplined; rather, i am most comfortable when at the center of various extremes. ive learned to embrace the unique fluidness or 'bothness' that has allowed me to be as ardent a free spirit as i am a professional, as open as i am responsible, as coquettish as i am emotionally intelligent. my identity is not mutually exclusive.

in relationships, in scholarship, and as a professional, my worldview starts from a place of knowing the world is not black or white, and if it seems so, then it is not the whole picture. truth, to me, is like balance: it is supported with both sides of the story. i owe it to skating that this notion of balance is innate within me, a constant state of being that supports both the contradictions that exist in my life and that exist within the world. it has granted me the ability to see that everyone has a point, to be generous with others and their ideas; to host a technicolor, shape-shifting notion of truth. balance, when applied to skating and to life, is what makes beauty possible.

~ ~ ~

chasing pleasure

it's not if the glass is half empty or half full,

it's that it's refillable

-lady named bobbi

i cant really control the size of these pictures

i'm working with an artist right now who says his work is

'juste pour le plaisir des yeux'

or

'just for the pleasure of the eyes'

whenever you encounter something beautiful,

i hope you might think of me

(unless you don't know me)

~ ~ ~

lilli carre 

vince mckelvie

 jacob brostrup 

david stenbeck

duo quintessenz

oscar nussio

laura bifano

rebecca chaperon

casey weldon

alejandro carpintero

alexandra lekias

best of 2019

this time last year i took some time to write a little recap of my year (ended up being not so little) and the process was a refreshing way to close out, to add a marker, to an otherwise just-passing amount of time. in many ways this notation - making a mark where something had started and stopped - helped create a new beginning of sorts where i could measure against it as the future unfolded. this year i thought i'd engage in the exercise again. here are some of the best moments of 2019:

the first thing i can think of is skiing and taking leaps off car-sized mounds in the back bowls of vail, on a trail called cloud nine where the trees were many but generously spaced. my brother, dad, nikki and i weaved in and out of the trail's long, downhill curves, speeding without worry of many other skiiers and looking out over a vast expanse of mountains. nearby at beaver creek, i skiied with a former hockey teammate carolyn and dove down the deathly double black diamond called, fittingly, forgettaboutit. we narrowly survived.

naturally other travels come to the top of mind. i dreamt up my perfect summer vacation visiting friends in vancouver and seattle and made it all actually, seamlessly come to life, from fantasy to reality. at bass coast, i took refreshing cold swims in the river, met a gaggle of costumed characters, became a three-headed dog with my spirit bestie lexis and her male doppleganger paris, danced on stage at barclay crenshaw, and was literally hypnotized by a blonde illusionist named ~*mesmer*~ who did not break eye contact with me from the time he met me at the campsite till the time i realized he was hypontizing me, like i was his chosen subject. i closed the festival with a long, pink and purple reflection on this epiphany that humans use vibrations to communicate with the frequencies of the universe, and that when we are thinking of aliens we are really thinking of ourselves.


'

this year was definitely the year of creative parties, taking advantage of our large floor plan and maze of rooms. we remade our backyard into a more beautiful and welcoming space with our like-minded neighbors kyle and griffin, and launched it with an open house with a dj set by our friend jimmy, wearing cat ears, 'en plein air' and a bonfire and a trump pinata that hana destroyed with one swing of a golf club. i always love playing friend matchmaker, introducing people from disparate parts of my life to one another through a mutual interest i know they have and leaving them to it.

the open house was followed up with our haunted halloween house party, which kicked off with a promise on facebook for a shrine to the undead and entry to our spooky basement. as a result, we created a storyline for the evening with nikki playing the lead character, a dead suburban housewife who died from a tragic vaping-related illness:

guests were immersed in the story via decor and a full shrine to karen, and a book that was signed with dozens of notes and drawings in her honor. the empty cobwebbed basement was transformed into a full warehouse rave situation, with black lights and strobes and a dj wearing a white cowboy hat. there is no doubt this inspired my desire to - a month later - throw a murder mystery masquerade party for my birthday.

professionally, i saw a promotion and a raise, and traveled to new york twice - once for a high-stress press conference (and bacon flavored tequila shots with gwen, as a result) and an event where i had 60 seconds to pitch a room full of national journalists on the magic of the mca. through work i met kanye west and virgil abloh (and sold a pair of his shoes for 1k profit) as well as an old favorite, toro et moi, who offered me VIP tickets to his concert later that night. a slight traitor, and mostly out of curiosity, i volunteered to work at the art institute for their indoor pitchfork festival and to see panda bear. wearing a staff tshirt, i got to meet panda bear's VJ, who in our conversation made me realize that animal collective's feature length film oddsac he created was really my entry point to art entirely - through the dance of music and the visual. between this and bass coast, this year revealed to me an interesting question: is (our goal for) art just trying to be what music naturally does? to bring people together?

one of my new watercolors

in my 2018 blog post, i wanted to commit to carving out more time for myself - and my independent interests. this year i journaled more, i blogged more, i biked more, and i read more. i joined two book clubs; i must say the stereotypes are true and only a fraction of what was discussed was the books. i went to more concerts - like thriftworks at bottom lounge and bassnectar at north coast, where i bought myself a new tail- and i made a routine out of yoga and pure barre. i listened to a book ive always wanted to read, zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, while rollerblading home from work during the warmer months. i began to teach golf lessons, watercolor, and windsurf. i sailed our friends sara and trevor in to shore in the midst of a thunderstorm and shifting 40 knot winds, just in time to assist the sailing staff with an emergency de-rigging situation. during a year when the lake was high and the dunes were higher, and the beach started to feel unlike our own with all of the mega mansions popping up next to sailing, it was that storm and the night that we slept on the beach in a tent that reminded me that while times change our community webbing is only getting stronger. cut to: the full extended sailing clan belting mary j. blige's "be without you" together, word for word as if we had all been practicing it for years.

one of my concerns of the year was to avoid complacency; how to remain active, adventurous, and spontaneous while my job, relationship, and living situation are desirable. one of nikki and my inside jokes this summer was 'marina city' - or pretending to be tourists and seeing chicago for the first time as we put itineraries together for the day. we biked to the zoo, had brunch at north pond, got ribs at sheffields, went to a sox game with my cousin owen, tried axe throwing, met figure skater adam rippon at a talk about his new book, and regularly pretended our apartment was an airbnb with an awesome outdoor living room (we literally brought the tv out on our patio.)

meeting one of my heroes adam rippon

more than ever, i appreciate that my grandparents are still such an active part of my life, and i finally got around to creating a fourth etching of my sheep cartoon series so that i could go printmkaing at the chicago printmakers collaborative with my grandpa. we finished just in time for my turn at the mca staff art wall, where i gave a talk about the process of printmaking with my grandpa and the children's book i one day hope to make out of them.

i was the crux of my grandma's surprise birthday celebration at wilmette golf course, and had to nervously lie to her about bringing her there to play when i knew we werent going to. her face buckling to tears when she saw dozens of her friends on the other side of the dining room doors was an emotional moment, and a huge sigh of relief that i had, somehow, supported in making it happen. as i reflect on this moment i come back to my goals for this year and the notion of the passing of time, which kicked off those goals. 2019 felt new, awakened; i returned my focus inwards and shut out the negativity that was distracting me from myself. i didn't let others make excuses for me, and i got my katy back.

~ ~ ~

i see my self

"the paradox is that whatever you resist persists - 

the more you resist something the stronger it gets."

- inner worlds, outer worlds

artem chebokha

nur nielfa

@0073.UV

henrik aarrestad uldalen

i spend so much time writing through an institutional lens - a privilege, no doubt - that i want, at times, to see my own contours. its something i should put into practice more: to write down those thoughts that are my own, to put a frame around my mind every once in awhile as it, of course, wanders and grows. i want to make a record of what i believe right now - just an unfiltered list, let's see what comes out - and, years from now, revisit it and repost it with detailed annotations next to the items that no longer fit my criteria.

something ive been trying to work out especially lately is how important it is to have an immutable, i-will-argue-for-it- type of belief system, one that remains steady on issues both personal and political. i say this for two reasons: a) as you get older, people expect you to be more set in your ways and b) because i've noticed that people increasingly enjoy taking a solid side on any given topic, regardless the degree to which they know about the issue. taking my usual stance that 'every stance has a point' doesn't seem to work in conversation anymore: if im metaphorically swimming in a sea of beliefs, where everyone is right at least some of the time, my friends and foes alike are picking me up in their boats and bringing me back to the shore, where the shouting people are! the internet! the comments!


anyway, the list is coming. but this stems from a place of thinking the world is inherently contradictory lately, that we're having trouble as a civilization finding a difference between dualism and balance. one polarizes us by creating separate categories of everything, and the other reckons with the categories and finds stability and a center amid chaos. i want to exist at that center, and to a certain extent that's the only place i find myself and it's a little troubling philosophically because i don't see very many other people here. deep down, my life's concern is bringing about the joy in humanity and i focus myself more than anything on the state of the planet's happiness, and what worlds we're building with our words. with that said,

i believe you dont need to be political to be cool

i believe in saying yes

i believe in harnessing the wind

i believe there is a connection between music and art,
and dance and flight

i believe in killing several birds with one stone

i believe in bringing people together who are strangers to each other

i believe in stretching in public

i believe in eating in the sun

i believe we're part of the same consciousness

i believe in female goddess power

i believe we're all trying our best

i believe distraction is a tool

i believe in making displays out of items at the thrift store
and not buying any of them

i believe life's too short to be embarrassed

i believe we've forgotten how to spell

i believe stories are more real than memories

i believe love is magic

i believe love is limitless

i believe our bodies are in crisis

i believe in protecting our water

i believe in focusing on myself

i believe in throwing extravagant parties
and buying pinatas and shrines for the sake of a good invitation

i believe in killing them with kindness

i believe in letting people off the hook

i believe in making it work

i believe in writing on public transit

i believe in keeping it short
and that the world is beautiful
and that you should never take more than you need

brandi read

"you are not merely a collection of thoughts and ideas 

because behind the thoughts 

is the one witnessing them"

 boo mitford

~ ~ ~