it's corona time

im not a reporter, so its never been my business to comment on world events. i prefer to share obtuse ideas that i feel no one else has said in quite a way, culled from the page of a forgotten book or late-night thought sprawls staring at an aquarium, longing for something. the ideas are inspired by the world, sure, but are apart from it, drenched in desire, nostalgia, and fantasy.

to comment on coronavirus as a world event would be out of my scope, but to discuss the potentially profound impact of quarantine life on inner experience, on our thoughts, reflections, and growth during this time, feels within my wheelhouse.

here's my premise: i believe we're in a moment in which each and every one of us has the opportunity to make huge transformations in our lives - and by huge, i don't necessarily mean our direction in the world or our higher purpose, but the little things that we do everyday, the little habits that inform who we really are. and the impact of that is, eventually, huge.

from the moment we are born, we are thrust into social systems that define the 'should' and 'shouldn't' of our daily lives. we should go to school. we should wait patiently in the lunch line. we should probably bathe. then, we should graduate, and if we want to survive, we should find a job. we shouldnt let our emotions into our jobs. we shouldnt let our individual preferences - such as when to wake up in the morning, or what we feel most comfortable wearing  - impose on our professionalism and our coworkers. and most importantly, we shouldnt grieve our personal losses from these systems, because everyone attends to them, right?

and then, the novel coronavirus happens. the systems we're used to structuring our lives are out the window, and what's left is something to novel at in itself: us. you. me. you look around your house, you look back at your screen. it's quiet. no one's rushing you to finish what you're reading; no ubers to catch, no scramming to declutter, no postponed dinner date to attend to. no reason not to do yoga, take a shower, and make a smoothie before you start work (what is 'commute'?)

with the caveat that i'm not a parent and have a job and work from home, and that i have it relatively easy in this way, i'm all of a sudden left to a toolkit i haven't fully used since i was a child: my complete, unfettered imagination. the one that simply can't be bothered. the one born out of free time, space, and boredom that creates a story for the day where i am the protagonist with my own soundtrack, dazzling 'fit, and very important things to attend to such as making candles, baking muffins, and maintaining order over my pets in my vast quarantine-kingdom.

without all of the unknowns of daily life - whether the bus will come on time, whether there will be a line to get coffee, whether the elevator interaction with your coworker creates more or less work - we can actually feel, if only for a bit, that we're in control. i'm learning who i am naturally - what times of the day i like to eat, sleep, work, exercise, and be creative - for the first time in my adult life. i'm off the grind, and as a result, i'm getting further into the deepest parts of myself. 

after i spent the first three days of the shelter-in-place mandate partying as if it were the end of the world, im coming to see that unhealthy habits don't really have a purpose here. this is significant, people, for me especially, to realize that a hyperactive social life is only just a substitute for boredom, a default way to fill time.

forced by social distancing to find something else, the simple hobbies and projects that were once wishful thinking or on the backburner since i was 10 (muffin club, anyone?) are now integrated into my quarantine routine. i always thought i was the candle-making type, if there is such a thing, but now i really know. i knew i could do more in the kitchen, but my desire to take a break took precedent over my desire to try new things. it turns out making pickles, soups, and proper cocktails is really not that hard.



               

               

i fed some squirrels in my backyard today. i watch the birds come to the bird feeder, and i read about them. sparrows, chickadees, cardinals. i read about everything. i ask google if i can make the things i was going to buy. i take long, wandering walks, just trying to get lost and finding myself in front of the most beautiful houses, churches, and gardens. i almost feel like i'm in a new city. the question of what i 'should' and 'shouldn't' do? apologies, i'm going to have to filter that through whether or not it fits today's narrative.

               

we all went into quarantine, i think, hoping we could use this time for something. there are memes out there that let you off the hook if you don't pick up a new skill or feel unmotivated being at home, but i don't think we need to put even that much pressure on ourselves. it's not about suddenly rallying to find motivation to become an expert at something, because if you haven't already, how much did you actually want to do that thing anyway?

as i said at the start, the opportunity here is a transformation of our inner experience - the way we see ourselves. it's about finding what already has a home within us, and what has been external to us this whole time. sorting between what is mine, and what was forced upon me moving from one social space to the next since infancy, is the crucial, unexpected gift of living through quarantine. it's not about picking up guitar or starting to jog if you've never been a musician or runner; it's about thinking through why you ever thought you needed to be those things to begin with.

for me, quarantine has been about feeling at peace, or finding peace, without constant distraction. it's been about considering or testing out an idea fully, without the need to do something with it, to monetize or even gain from it. i've had time to figure out why i sought out so many distractions to begin with, and who i am without them. who i am when i'm not trapped in a vicious cycle of work and reward, swinging daily between the extremes of anxiety and pleasure.

so, i wonder especially what's going to come after all of this - after we've had just a moment to see that our lives up to this point have been so much a reaction to the rapid, incessant demands of society in contemporary life. now is our time to play, experiment, wander, and grow, and i hope we all take advantage of it.

or not. rest, relax. now, more than ever, it's up to you.

me, before a zoom meeting

~ ~ ~

balance and the art of figure skating

i've been asked to write on the topic of balance for a friend's *secret* project. posting here now, with the intent to update once its public with further contextualization.

growing up and training as a figure skater, i see balance not as when two scales strike equilibrium, but as a constant state of being. balance is the grounding that makes all else possible, the foundation of skating and life itself.

the most basic units of skating are edges, or the angle at which the blade hits the ice during each stroke; whether the angle is upright or too far to one side or another, forward or backward, determines whether you'll leave the rink with a wet ass or wind-swept hair. a trained skater intuits the microadjustments that need to be made not only to stay balanced, but to deftly switch between directions and build on the edges with more complicated turns, loops, and curves.

perpetually fighting gravity, the body acts as a counterweight in relation to the edge, lifting the skate up and out of the ice like a yogi lifting up and out of their crown. as much weight as you have invested in one direction, you must invest in the other, and invest upwards. the result is the gliding, frictionless motion that makes skating travel so far and so fast, and so inherently different than walking. the basic and necessary state of balance - the perfect, shape-shifting synchronization of body and blade - supports everything else that is added to it, from endless spins to fast footwork to gravity-defying jumps.

losing balance isn't an option on the ice, and it has never felt like an option in my life. the need for balance - to stay up, to keep all parts of myself together and supporting one another - is what drove me to be as intense a student as i was an athlete and social butterfly, and, on a literal level, to pursue both the beautiful art of figure skating and to play on a hockey team. each time i stepped onto the ice it was like i was able to reset to the center, never becoming more aggressive than graceful or vice versa. my skating - hockey and figure - has become a sort of grounding metaphor for my identity and the way i see myself in the world. growing up, i saw others as more opinionated and defined; they seemed to have a singular raison d'etre which allowed them to fit a mold, to make sense, to know what table they were going to sit down at for lunch. torn between groups, people, teams - i thought that my identity had just been late to bloom.

in my adult life, i now see that who i truly am has been there all along. i am now at peace with the fact that i cannot be easily defined in one way or another, rough or graceful, wild or disciplined; rather, i am most comfortable when at the center of various extremes. ive learned to embrace the unique fluidness or 'bothness' that has allowed me to be as ardent a free spirit as i am a professional, as open as i am responsible, as coquettish as i am emotionally intelligent. my identity is not mutually exclusive.

in relationships, in scholarship, and as a professional, my worldview starts from a place of knowing the world is not black or white, and if it seems so, then it is not the whole picture. truth, to me, is like balance: it is supported with both sides of the story. i owe it to skating that this notion of balance is innate within me, a constant state of being that supports both the contradictions that exist in my life and that exist within the world. it has granted me the ability to see that everyone has a point, to be generous with others and their ideas; to host a technicolor, shape-shifting notion of truth. balance, when applied to skating and to life, is what makes beauty possible.

~ ~ ~

chasing pleasure

it's not if the glass is half empty or half full,

it's that it's refillable

-lady named bobbi

i cant really control the size of these pictures

i'm working with an artist right now who says his work is

'juste pour le plaisir des yeux'

or

'just for the pleasure of the eyes'

whenever you encounter something beautiful,

i hope you might think of me

(unless you don't know me)

~ ~ ~

lilli carre 

vince mckelvie

 jacob brostrup 

david stenbeck

duo quintessenz

oscar nussio

laura bifano

rebecca chaperon

casey weldon

alejandro carpintero

alexandra lekias