i recently returned from my first trip to europe, where i learned a lot about the world and myself. even though each day was loaded with adventures travelling all over the netherlands to germany and back again, a few moments really stuck out in my mind. in berlin, it was the boy in the car window who drew a heart with his fingers, and pointed to me, and the TV tower emerging in and out of the clouds during a surreal sunrise the next morning.
it was the artist with blue hair selling his drawings out of a spray-painted black van parked in front of the berlin wall…probably illegally… who reminded me of the dark and complex history of destruction and creation in the city. that dualism was reflected again in the overturned t-rex figurine in the abandoned amusement park, who sat adjacent to a crumbling viking ship marked by traces of squatters and unwelcome visitors, and a creaking ferris wheel with the tags of the brave kings of the urban jungle on every car to the very top.
juxtaposing the deeply countercultural, troubled berlin is the surface-level city of amsterdam, a place where nothing has been destroyed but only created, like the adult version of disneyworld. it is a facade of a city- full of immaculate, conspicuously constructed shopfronts, restaurants, coffee shops, and boulevards- to the extent that it almost has no reality, but more so exists as an idea, a collective dream, a place where fantasies of escape and sex and indulgence can be played out in the material world, the world of capital. beautiful, by day, but deceiving- by night the city operates as a system in which the alcohol, weed and sex industries work together to bankrupt hedonistic travelers like myself, feeding people (like sheep) through the machine to make money on their desires. the idea of a distant getaway, a city without rules which champions ultimate freedom- amsterdam, in a nutshell- has been given a price tag like the rest of society, making me wonder what hasn’t been touched by capitalism, or if there even is such a place. amsterdam was a city in which everyone was in transit- making the fear of being run over by a bike quite real- but they seemed to have no distinct destination, nor an idea of where they were. does anyone even live there? or are those town homes along the canal just for show- empty spare mirrors, replicas of dutch art and golden chandeliers? even the young opera singer testing the acoustics in dam square...who put her there? is it all- the whole city- just a performance? a fun house mirror?
then there were my travels through germany, driving 200 kilometers per hour on the autobahn, standing in front of the massive, breath-taking cologne cathedral, spending quality time with my friend dani and her newborn son in their small town of ahaus, and our day trip to munster where the gold-gilded facades reflected the medieval city planning i learned about in school. sitting in her new apartment and soaking in her new life in a foreign place, i was able to reflect on myself and my relationships and my future. could i do what she is doing? could i be vulnerable enough to another person to share my life with them? could i give up myself and my identity for motherhood? maybe not yet, but it is more clear to me now the sacrifices i will have to make to get there. to be that happy old couple on a side-by-side tandem bicycle riding through the little town square, still very much in love.
while many travelers would say that their trips show them how infinitely big the world feels, i thought it made my world smaller. it did so by showing me that while places and people may change, desire, wisdom and the mundane stay the same across the artificial boundaries we have set up. everyone wants to eat, to belong, to feel important, and apparently everyone knows who bill clinton is, especially in berlin.
aaand a few media recommendations for the week:
movie: X-rated puppet show Meet the Feebles (brace yourselves)
music: artful, pensive music by my friend Jonathan @MorbinMusic
article: a well-written evaluation of the borderline psycho/sociopathic personality traits fostered and rewarded by the money=success paradigm
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