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i don't have anything to prove, because what i do everyday is awesome

an essay

oftentimes i think back to the katy that i have understood as my identity; one who seeks noise, crowd and entertainment nightly, who sees multiple groups of people regularly and, in balancing that out, expresses via words when finally alone, most likely about the woes of leaving childhood behind and the abstract nature of life. the latter may still be true, albeit i've gained a respect for privacy (perhaps because of the chill, but still co-workers, type of people) (also, love the word privacy, espec. when pronounced like "privvy"), but i wonder sometimes if i should mourn the fizzling out of the first few descriptors. practically speaking, one can't afford the rage life everyday, but on a deeper level, i think i've finally learned to appreciate endeavours with longer shelf lives than one or two nights. having a full time job is kind of like being in high school again, where you go to the same place 5 days a week at the same time and have to like, sit there with pretty much the same people all the time. and they try to figure out who you are. but unlike high school, you're all working toward a common goal, which is cool, and you try to answer each other's questions. that's probably the basis of all office work as i know it: sitting around a table, and asking questions. it's a very curious struggle: what works? what's next? why? why the fuck? ...it satisfies my craving to never not have something to do, and to work alongside other people who are like that, or are at least forced to have that disposition while there. it makes me appreciate how much actually goes into the world. when you're but a child, how are you expected to know how many hundreds of deadlines had to be met to craft the Disney version of Aladdin? to make even the most low-grade films, and yes, the entire disposable magazine world. it seems unfathomable, too complex.. until you start to think of the group thing. the fact that yes, there are hundreds of deadlines, but there are also potentially hundreds of people involved, including those who aren't being paid but are acting as support or insiders to those who are, all with resumes. it's a pyramid of human relations, a mass group project, a social experiment which, in the case of the onion, creates delightfully bizarre and endlessly entertaining results. all the emails, all the coordination and dedication to be unwaveringly efficient and on-time - it's worth being in it for the long haul to see what happens, and i can't tell if this is just because the onion is the shit or the onion is the shit. what if this whole thing was strategic content to get you to read the onion? that'd be funny. in any case, i'm starting to change my mind about what "fun" entails. i knew it was an endless word, and that i'm dedicated to it in lifestyle, but i didn't know i could ever get to the point in saying that working in a company is kind of like being on a team playing a sport and actually having FUN while trying hard to do something. phew. i said it. waking up early is still hard, yes, but i read the other day in an article that it's a biological condition and that, surprisingly, makes me feel better about it. asides from that, and monitoring my drinking with friends on "school nights", i haven't had much to sacrifice, only to gain. i feel like i'm on top of shit, and that trickles into my personal life as well. i routinely do the dishes before bed, and i made a chicken dumpling soup the other day that lasted half a week of meals. i joined a gym, where i torture myself through at least forty five painful minutes uphill on the bike and do planks. many planks. some of my greatest joys now lie in decorating my apartment for the five senses. here is when you, the reader, are probably beginning to be bored by my keenness to domesticity and lack of katy-like rebellion, and frankly, the social butterfly katy is insecure about that. but you know what the purpose of this post is? to tell you i don't have to prove anything to you, reader, because what i do everyday is awesome.

"The real secret of magic is that the world is made of words. And that if you know the words that the world is made of, you can make of it whatever you wish." 

~terance mkenna

sup peacock feathers

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